sinking.

to the girl at Gloom last night that danced with me and pulled my hand under her skirt: you were lovelier than the lace you were wearing and your mouth was sweet and dark like an autumn evening, but i just couldn't give you what you wanted.

and that half moon smile that dripped with borrowed light did not reach your eyes. we were waning from the first moment. you walked off, silent under the din of the club, and i was adrift again. part of me wishes i could just not care, that i could throw the weight off my shoulders, that i could've found you again and been your paramour until night's end.

but i do care, i can't throw anything off, and i won't find you again.

now i lie here with the sun forcing its way through the drawn curtains and remember someone else. the most important someone else in the world. it feels inadequate to call her that, like calling a star a speck, or calling a home a house. i lie here longing for the shape of her. beautiful and unreal waiting outside classroom doors, under the willows, in her driveway.

i feel like i'm being crushed by my own mistakes. my past decisions are iron shackles locked around my ankles and every step without her is a miserable struggle. i was just so fucking scared. i still am. i fear the lack of safety and the lack of normality. but when have i ever cared about normal and safe? why does it feel like i gave up more than i can even comprehend? like i gave up the key to feeling safe and normal? i think i gave up the moon. without its tides my heart is a sinking stone in a deep ocean.

[posted by acrylic_cynic on Sunday, Zwolven 19th, 1004 @ 10:55 AM]