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what's in your head?
Oct. 29th, 2024 09:06 pmi almost hate to say this, because we're at a point where things are either going to get worse or stay about as bad as they currently are, but i'm looking forward to when election season is over. we went and did early voting over the weekend (we were in line for about two hours, but hey, at least the family behind us was cool and we passed some time chatting with them) and i don't regret my vote but it's like... even the "good" choice still sucks? and i don't feel i have the tools or ability (or location lol) to really do anything more concrete, other than vague stuff i'm already doing like just... not being an asshole, i guess?
and no, this isn't me asking for advice or suggestions, rather i'm just using this place to express that my feelings are complicated and, overall, not great. it'd be bad enough if i didn't (willingly, for i am a fool) subject myself to the internet(TM) where a thousand other angry, shitty people's opinions are exposed to me. it's weird, i have a strong sense of self, but i feel like i'm also rather strongly swayed by the thoughts and feelings of other people. even if i solidly disagree with them. because... i mean, i don't know everything. hell, i know very little. how can i actually be sure that my opinions and principals are well-formed? sure, there's no one right way to be a person, but i'd prefer to be a good one. we live in a system where that's kind of hard to do, materially. i usually stay in my lane and don't make it a point to spread lots of negativity (even when i feel like shit) but how many people am i even reaching when i advocate for basic decency? am i advocating the right things, in the right way? does it actually make a difference? if i go through the trouble to take up new skills or just generally make changes to my lifestyle, will it actually be something that results in a net gain? is it worth it to try?
...the answer to the last question, at least, is probably yes. but idk man, sometimes i'm tired and have my hands full with the basics. am i a bad person because i doubt i'm even cut out to do anything that means anything?
in short, the internet(TM) has ways of making me feel like shit, like i should be guilty and doing more-- oh, but not that way, THIS way. if you do it that OTHER way, you're a piece of shit. it should not come as a surprise that this year i've really been noticing how unhealthy social media is. my (undiagnosed?) OCD has almost certainly been made worse because of it. and yet...
anyway. i work on halloween. i'll be dressed up as a well-adjusted adult.
and no, this isn't me asking for advice or suggestions, rather i'm just using this place to express that my feelings are complicated and, overall, not great. it'd be bad enough if i didn't (willingly, for i am a fool) subject myself to the internet(TM) where a thousand other angry, shitty people's opinions are exposed to me. it's weird, i have a strong sense of self, but i feel like i'm also rather strongly swayed by the thoughts and feelings of other people. even if i solidly disagree with them. because... i mean, i don't know everything. hell, i know very little. how can i actually be sure that my opinions and principals are well-formed? sure, there's no one right way to be a person, but i'd prefer to be a good one. we live in a system where that's kind of hard to do, materially. i usually stay in my lane and don't make it a point to spread lots of negativity (even when i feel like shit) but how many people am i even reaching when i advocate for basic decency? am i advocating the right things, in the right way? does it actually make a difference? if i go through the trouble to take up new skills or just generally make changes to my lifestyle, will it actually be something that results in a net gain? is it worth it to try?
...the answer to the last question, at least, is probably yes. but idk man, sometimes i'm tired and have my hands full with the basics. am i a bad person because i doubt i'm even cut out to do anything that means anything?
in short, the internet(TM) has ways of making me feel like shit, like i should be guilty and doing more-- oh, but not that way, THIS way. if you do it that OTHER way, you're a piece of shit. it should not come as a surprise that this year i've really been noticing how unhealthy social media is. my (undiagnosed?) OCD has almost certainly been made worse because of it. and yet...
anyway. i work on halloween. i'll be dressed up as a well-adjusted adult.
